Equuality: Reflections on Life with Horses

Back Seat Living

About the Book

Learn to wish that everything should come to pass exactly as it does. -Epititus, Greek Sage

For a period of time last year, I was very resentful about going to the stable. I still wanted to be there, and I still loved the horses, and I still had fun while I was there. However, at the same time, I found myself resenting the time it took, feeling like it was keeping me from getting work done, blaming going to the barn for not having enough time to relax, and on, and on, and on. This feeling of bitterness destroyed my good attitude several times a day. I would get frustrated about having to leave something I was working on at home, then get frustrated about feeling rushed out the door, then get frustrated any time anyone asked me to do something after I got to the barn.

My long time partner Kali and I do nearly everything together, including horses. Needless to say, my bad attitude was having a negative effect on our relationship. My unhappy thoughts were leading to unhappy, snappish, irritable behavior toward her. Noticing how far I had strayed off course just added fuel to my anger, creating a downward spiral.

Finally one day, on the drive home, Kali said, "You need to start taking some responsibility for what you're doing with the horses or we need to do something else."

At first I was really defensive. Do something else? "But I love the horses!" I knew it wasn't the horses who were making me unhappy. Just the constant demand they created. How could Kali ask me to take more responsibility? I was already doing so much! I was more than responsible!

Then I started to realize she was right. I had somehow stopped being active in my life. I had become a passenger, maybe even a crabby backseat driver of a passenger at that. I had decided that I was unhappy and I wanted to blame everything external for it, starting with horses. I blamed the time commitment, the chores, the things I was asked to do that I hadn't planned on doing. But really, it was the choices I was making about my own attitude that were causing my discontentment.

Because they were said strongly and from a place of love, Kali's words acted to create the first crack in a melting glacier and opened me up to the truth that I could make a choice about how to react to my situation. I didn't have to be a slave to my unhappiness. By taking responsibility, I could choose to get ready to go on time, choose to muck the stalls cheerfully, choose to help get tack out or setup obstacles, instead of feeling like I "had" to do those things.

Suddenly, I was no longer the victim. I was no longer at bay of my negative emotions. I had the ability to shift my entire reality, just by turning my "had to's" into "get to's." The power of this choice is quite profound. It is the power to create an entirely new reality.

While I can't tell you that the next day I woke up and was all positive all the time, the changes did happen quickly. One day at a time, I began to like the things that had previously raised my ire. Even if I had to fake it at first, each time I chose to be happy, to take responsibility, I built positive momentum.

I'm still not perfect, but the times I feel frustrated or put upon are few and far between. When irritation does arise, the choice to be happy is made with more ease. It is simply a process of retraining. Just as we can retrain a horse to understand and even sometimes enjoy something they initially disliked, we can learn to wish that things would be exactly as they are.