Equuality: Reflections on Life with Horses

Acting From Respect

About the Book

Men are respectable only as they respect. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is a central question to living with horses that many never stop to answer: What kind of relationship do I want to have with my horses? When I first had this query put to me, I thought it an easy one to answer. A good relationship, of course.

I soon realized that "good relationship" could mean so many different things that it didn't really mean anything at all. What would make it good for me? What would make it good for the horse? Could it really be good for both of us at the same time? I quickly became quite overwhelmed, realizing that this question had many more facets than I had at first imagined.

I think the reason many people don't face these questions is that most of the settings in which we encounter horses don't encourage this kind of reflection. Horses are seen to have a place in the world as recreational vehicles for their human masters. They treated as an inferior, subservient species. This is often true even in barns where the utmost care is taken to ensure the superficial wellbeing of the horse.

We tend not to challenge the assumptions of the status quo because they are deeply engrained in our culture. We can feel that in voicing doubts or questioning the common wisdom, we will set ourselves apart, ostracizing ourselves from the community of horse people.

I have experienced this personally, becoming the subject of ridicule, derision, and doubt, for attempting to work with rescue horses using positive rather training methods. I was being shown every day by the horses that it was the right thing to do. However, the force of just a few dissenting human voices was hard to face. Eventually this negativity took its toll. I felt I had to quit my work with the rescue horses or surrender values I was not willing to lay down.

That, however, was not the end of the story. Though I had made the conscious decision to stand by my beliefs about positive methods, my subconscious mind had become fearful due to the negative human opinions I had experienced. In many situations I started reverting to using negative reinforcement, pressure and release techniques. In and of themselves, the techniques were not bad, but due to my fear I used them in a way that was defensive, focusing on trying to correct the things the horse was doing wrong, rather than encouraging the areas they understood.

This negative focus did a great deal of harm to the most important equine connection in my life. Through my fearful actions, I inadvertently altered the fundamentals of how my mare and I related to each other. I became a volatile force in her life, sometimes acting in a positive way and sometimes making her wrong when I had no right to. This duality ate away at the foundation of trust between us, leaving even the best parts of our relationship on shaky footing.

Questions like, "what kind of relationship do you want to have with your horse?" asked by myself and by others, have unwound some of the knots created by my fearful patterns. As time has passed, these wounds have begun to heal, and my relationships have started to regain their strength and beauty. I think this healing comes from the simple understanding that the quality of the relationship is what matters. I have come to believe that the only thing worth having is a loving connection born of mutual respect and understanding.

Every day, I try to apply this as my core value and guide in making decisions, continually questioning how I approach my relationships. Though there are ups and downs, moments of clarity and moments of unconscious, unhealthy actions, I feel the general trend is a positive one. Each time I act from a position of respecting my horse, I can feel the respect returned. Each time I act from curiosity, rather than a need to fix, I see the light of curiosity shining in her eyes as well. In those moments I can feel the joy of the connection between us pulling on my heart as irresistibly as the force of gravity pulls me to the ground, and I smile.