Equuality: Reflections on Life with Horses

The Gift of Relationship

About the Book

He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye. -The Buddha

Relationship defines all life. Predator and prey are inextricably linked; individuals are members of packs, flocks, herds; couples mate for life, or simply for a moment. In our human world, we function in a vast array of relationships during every moment of our lives. In any given instant we are consciously aware of some of these relationships and totally unconscious of the vast majority. As we begin to look more closely, to pull ourselves out of the past and keep ourselves from running off into the dream-world of the future, we begin to see the power of the relationships in our lives: the simple fact that we are defined by our relationships, not by anything intrinsic to our "selves." The concept of relational definition becomes clear we when start to look more deeply at how we experience both the internal and external worlds.

When I consider the internal workings of my physical self, I realize that "I" am the sum of a cascading series of systems. My lungs are pumped by muscles in my chest and abdomen, pulling oxygen into my body. My capillary system and heart pump blood around my body, carrying that oxygen in and moving carbon-dioxide waste out. My nerves transmit messages between my brain and muscles all over my body. Those muscles work in harmony with and opposition to other muscles to move me through my day.

At a deeper level, each piece of tissue can be described as a group of related molecules, each molecule as a conglomeration of atoms, each atom as a structure of sub-atomic particles, and so on down the line, ad infinatum. Each time science claim to have discovered the single, indivisible building block of all physical matter, it has no sooner finished patting itself on the back than an even smaller body of relationships is discovered.

When we look the other direction, externally to ourselves, we find the same level of complex definition. Each circumstance we are in, each person we interact with, brings out a different aspect of our selves. I am not the same person while having dinner with my mom as I am when I'm teaching a student and neither of those are the same as when I'm alone with my sweetheart. In fact, I'm not even the same son to my mom now that I was ten years ago, or the same today as I was yesterday.

I believe that this is a revolutionary concept in today's American society. We define our culture by our desire to be seen in the frame of the rugged individualist: we take our history from the explorer, striking out into the unknown; from the settler, looking to better his life by escaping the tyranny of an oppressive community; from the cowboy, living life on the range with nobody to answer to. We are driven to succeed on our own terms, by our own virtue, striving to swim against the river just so we can say we were strong enough to go it alone. What I believe we must learn is that by becoming conscious of our interconnection with others we can not only embrace our dependence, we can begin to see our potential.

The power of many relationships lies below the level of our conscious mind. When I have had a hard day and I snap at my partner when she asks me a question I'm not ready for, my irritability likely has nothing to do with her. I am being acting on the pull of the negative relationships from earlier in my day. I am likely not even sure why I'm snapping and I will often make up a totally rational but equally superstitious explanation. If I can start to become aware of the relational forces that are driving my behavior, I can start to channel them instead of fighting them, swimming with the river instead of against it.

Our horsemanship can provide a lens that will help us to see and understand the power of relationship in our lives. In our society, we often use our recreational time to try to block out relational connections. We put on our iPod and go for long, hard run so we can ignore the world around us. Horsemanship offers us no such out. When we are with our horses, we are directly engaged in relationship. If we loose connection to our horse, we have nothing left.

So, slowly, each day we go to the barn, we delve more deeply into relationship. We discover the edges of our connection and how we can play those edges to create a stronger bond. Sometimes we blow straight through a threshold, going too far, or too fast, or too much in one direction, and we must find a way to re-attach the threads of connection we have broken with our pushing. Other times, we touch the limit and we are conscious enough in the moment to feel a way we can go with our horse, moving in harmony instead of discord, winding the threads of our bond into a rope of greater strength.

The gift is that the lessons we learn with our horses don't say penned in by the fence of the corral. Horsemanship is relationship. When we choose to use our precious free time to engage with our equine partners, we are strengthened by the power of the relationships we create with them and enlightened by lessons we learn along the path. Whether we try to take them back to our every day lives or not, the insights we have gained will tag along, sometimes showing up when least expected, but most needed.