Equuality: Reflections on Life with Horses

Boundaries

About the Book

The usual meaning of boundary is "dividing line" – a separation between two things. But isn't a boundary also a place of meeting and coming together? -Saki Santorelli

I really enjoy the way this quote from mindfulness teacher Saki Santorelli because of the light it shines onto the way we connect with each other. Our relationships exist as the boundaries between others and ourselves. As Dr. Santorelli says, they are the places where we meet and come together.

How we approach these boundaries determines the quality of our relationships. Sometimes we draw strict lines of division, steadfastly defending "me" against "them." Other times we leave ourselves totally exposed, allowing our unique gifts to be crushed and consumed without regard. But sometimes, when a relationship is healthy and strong, we find that the boundary can actually be a place of play and openness, of self and non-self at the same time that connects us more deeply while empowering us to express our unique identities.

I use the term equality to refer to relationships that act to empower each individual involved. In equal relationships there is a give and take, a to and fro. This flux acts like the coming and going of the tides and the waves, blurring the line between me and you as the water washing along the shore creates a space that is both sea and land.

The idea of to and fro is critical in our relationships with our horses. There must be a continual give and take of energy and ideas. If either party becomes too heavy, too stuck on one idea or too strong with a single kind of energy, the synchrony of the relationship will be lost. In essence, we must go with the horse when they need us to, and ask them to follow our lead when they can.

The first really clear experience I had with this concept was when I was learning how to lunge a horse in order to begin his experience with being ridden. Working on the lunge can provide an excellent foundation, if it is done in a way that maintains the mental, emotional, and physical balances of the horse. The person on the end of the line is responsible for helping the horse develop and retain equanimity in all three areas. I quickly learned that I could not simply walk on a fixed circle and expect the horse to manage all of those elements on their own. They might be spooked by a sudden sound, nervous about having the saddle or rider on their back, unsure what will be asked of them, or stiff in their bodies, unable to bend smoothly on a circle.

As the person on the end of the line, I had to develop a feel for what the horse needed in any given instant. If they needed to straighten for a moment, I had to go with them to avoid making them feel trapped. If they needed a larger circle to help their physical balance or a smaller circle to help maintain their emotions by controlling their speed, I needed to be able to sense that and make the adjustments before they became too heavy and swung us out of equilibrium. On the opposite side, I also had the opportunity to feel when I could make proactive suggestions. If they had the physical room to supple and bend slightly more, I could ask for that. If they had the emotional room to slow down, I would suggest it. In this way, the flow of energy and ideas remained in balance as well.

What we begin to see is that maintaining a relationship is a continual process of matching, mirroring, absorbing, and redirecting the energy that forms the connection. We can look more deeply into the analogy of the waves on the shore to see how we can interact with this energy. Some beaches are smooth and sandy. The energies of the water and the earth mingle and balance. The waves wash up with a softness that is soothing and calm. Other shorelines are rocky and hard. The intensity of the waves is reflected back by the stony surfaces, creating intense displays of energy. Neither type is better than the other. They are simply different aspects of the greater whole of the coastline.

Our relationships are like that varied shore. It takes every type of interaction to maintain the balance of energies needed for strong connection. Sometimes we must be calm and soothing, absorbing the energy to help a nervous horse center himself. Other times we must match our horse's energy and reflect it back to them like the cliffs of the rocky shore. Still other times we will need to be the waves of the ocean, smoothing rough edges by patient perseverance.

There is no recipe book to tell us what stance to take given that A, B, and C are happening. Conditions and situations change so quickly that such a reference would be of no use anyway. Instead, we have been given a wonderful instrument for judging what our response should be: intuition. When we begin to trust our instincts, we see that we don't need a guidebook to tell us what to do. If we listen to our feelings, our gut reactions, without letting our rationalizing mind and ego get in the way, we can instantly know the truth of the situation. Then we will act not out of a habit or superstition to appease our fears, but instead out of love and for the greatest good.